


Just for You, I’ll Try My Best Not to Die

by FluoxetineHcl



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27615328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluoxetineHcl/pseuds/FluoxetineHcl
Summary: You couldn't sleep, tormented by your own thoughts. Even though you should be happy that Cor, your lover, was sleeping soundly next to you, embracing you and giving you the warmth you loved.= = =Drabble
Relationships: Cor Leonis/Reader
Kudos: 9





	Just for You, I’ll Try My Best Not to Die

Just for You, I’ll Try My Best Not to Die

* * *

It was the same night, the same darkness when the overwhelming fear haunted your mind. The quiet night when you were supposed to be asleep. The warm night when you were being embraced by the man you loved the most in this world, even though it was also a lonely night for you because he left before you to the slumber. And it had been three hours since he slept, while you were unable to.

You moved your head to look at your right side, observing the face of your lover who was sleeping soundly. A small smile passed over your face, upon seeing the eyebrows that knitted even though he was asleep. The marshal never stopped showing his stern look, not even in his most relaxed state.

You shut your eyes again, trying your best to follow his step to the dream—or nightmare in your case, maybe, you wouldn’t know. However, no matter you tried to, you couldn’t dive into your slumber.

It was tiring for you to shut your eyes and beg your head to just sleep. Sleeping should be an easy task, but no, not for you. It was like a war, or a gamble. At one night you could just flop into your bed and only need five minutes to sleep soundly until the morning. But, on another night, and actually most nights, you would struggle to sleep even if it was only for a five minutes nap.

And when you couldn’t sleep like this, your mind would tell you many things that didn’t exist.

_ “Cor doesn’t love you.” _

_ “Cor doesn’t need you.” _

_ “No one actually loves you.” _

_ “He was just kind to you because you are pitiful.” _

_ “He deserved a better woman. Not you.” _

_ “You are a burden.” _

You bit your lips, screaming in your head to chase away those thoughts. They weren’t true. you knew that they weren’t true. But you couldn’t control those voices that invaded your head.

You tried to recollect the memories of the past, when Cor kissed you on your lips and said that he loved you, when he held your hand as you walked in the Crown City on your precious weekdays when you two had a date, or when he caressed your head and whispered how much he loved you and you replied to him the same thing.

But all of them faded out, blurred by the voices in your head that kept repeating the same untrue things. That you weren’t loved. That no one actually loved you. That all of these were just lies. That it was better if you go away. That it would be better if you die.

If you just die and disappear.

Then you remembered the way Cor yelled at you when you created a line of blood on your wrist as you wished it would stop all the unreasonable pain in your head. You remembered how the tears welled up beneath his eyelids at that time, and you promised yourself not to do that anymore.

But, what could you do?

You had no capability to control your action because your head needed special attention. A treatment. Which you couldn’t have anymore since the Crown City where you lived in had already destroyed and prevented you from continuing your treatment.

Sometimes you wondered whether it would be better if you just died there when the Niflheim killed all your family, your friends, your colleagues, and almost anyone you knew. Perhaps it would be better if Cor never came and saved you, and not prevented you from losing your fragile soul.

But, then, how about Cor?

You now regretted being his lover. If only at that time you didn’t say that you love him. If you never accepted his confession. If you never kissed him on that autumn day in front of the crownsguard training room. Perhaps, you wouldn’t need to think twice now if you wanted to drown yourself in the ocean, or slice your wrist, or just go out right now at night and let the daemon kill you.

No.

No.

No.

You shouldn’t regret it.

Cor saved you. He was the one who gave you the reason to live. He was the one who showered you with abundance of affection. He gave colors in your life. He was the man who made you not regret being born into this broken world. Because, hey, being born made you meet him.

You should be grateful. You should be.

But, your head kept telling you that his love was an illusion you created in your mind.

You were so ungrateful. Being loved by the man as kind as him, and you still thought about wanting to have your existence erased from the world?

You despised yourself for having that kind of thought. Doubting his love, thinking that no one loved you despite knowing how real his love toward you is.

You suddenly loathed yourself. Cursing your existence. Wishing that Cor fell in love with another woman because you didn’t deserve it.

But, again, you knew that it was your broken mind that made up those thoughts.

“Can’t sleep?”

Gasping, you opened your eyes when you heard his hoarse voice. You looked at your front, catching your lover had opened his eyes and now was bringing his hand to caress your damp cheek.

Damp cheek...

You cried, and you didn’t realize that you were crying.

“I…”

You sobbed, choked by your lament. Oh, hearing his voice just melted your tears, that you held on since forever. You didn’t really understand what you were feeling right now. You hated yourself for doubting his love. You loathed yourself for being a burden to him. You hated yourself for unable to erase the lies that were created in your mind.

“It’s okay. I’m here,” Cor whispered. He pulled you deeper into his embrace, caressing your head as you buried your face on his chest. You sobbed, hating yourself because of the uncontrollable feelings that tormented you.

“Cor,” you murmured his name before you began to wail in your suffering. “Cor.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here… It’s okay… I love you, dear.”

You knew it. You knew that he loved you. You knew that you were so blessed being able to feel his love to you.

And then, why? Why should your head keep repeating the lies? Why were you so broken that your head created a nightmare even before you dive into your sleep? 

It was hard…

All of this was too hard…

You wanted to survive, but on the other hand you just didn’t want to.

But, deep down in your heart, you also knew that you had already become the reason for him to live. You knew how much he would drown in the suffering if you also left him like the way his loved ones did to him. He lost his King, his friends, his hometown. You were the only one left in his world.

And Cor? He was the only one left in your world.

“It’s okay.” His voice was so soothing. So soft, and you knew how much he loved you just by the way he whispered to you like this.

“Cor…”

It was hard…

It was too hard…

But once again, tonight, you made the same promise again to yourself.

_ “Cor… Just for you… Just for you, I’ll try my best not to die…” _

**Author's Note:**

> It's a rough year. Well, every year is a rough year, though. Keep survive! Please give the author a piece of fluoxetinehcl (what?).
> 
> ===  
> Edit : Btw, no, in real life, you shouldn't make other people as your sole reason to live. It can help, but you should make yourself as the reason for you to live! Stay strong everyone!


End file.
